I came into my thirties a single woman with no kids and no obligations. I’m looking around and a good majority of my friends have either gotten married or started families by now. Even if they’re not doing the family thing in a traditional way, they’ve created a little broke bestie to love on them and be loved by them unconditionally. I get asked all the time, how am I single and why don’t I have kids yet, how am I not married? As I mentioned in I’ll Probably Be Single Forever: Here’s Why, niggas will claim that being single and attractive means there’s something wrong with you. And to someone maybe it is lol. There is something truly exceptional about being single to me though. I’m going to attempt to explain it without persuading people to part ways with their person. I mean don’t get me wrong, liking someone, dating and crushing on someone feels great and all but it’s just something about the single life that just seems to work for me right now.

Single = Freedom

Being single works for me because I enjoy my freedom. Simply put, I’m extroverted around people I really fuck with but I can be just as much of an introvert with a crazy desire to be alone. To date in that capacity would mean that I’d need balance.

That also takes understanding. I enjoy moving the way I want and not really having to deal with the commitment of consistent communication or interest for the lack thereof. People always say that that’ll change when I like or even love someone. For me though, I’d like to consider myself emotionally independent meaning: my happiness does not revolve around how much of someone else I can have. I have had my share of situationships and have had a life outside of my person when I did have one. It always usually boiled down to me wanting to have time to myself with no ill intent. It’s much easier to do it when I’m single. I can be considerate of the other person and still have my time and my space to just be alone. I enjoy the simplicity of that and it would take a strong man to understand what that means for me without them feeling like I’m not interested in them.

The Importance of Boundaries

One of my brothers has given me hard truths about my choice in men. I’ll own it, the ones I was choosing were poor. He never approved of any of them. He never thought they were on my level. Jeff always thought I was settling and that I could have done better. It took me to get where I’m at today to see that the value that he has always saw in me wasn’t the value I always saw in myself. In my mind I felt like he just would never think any guy would be good enough for me as my brother; but he would see what I couldn’t and that solely was coming from the mind of a man. My brother thinks the world of me and so for him it was always a feeling of him knowing I could have done or chose better. And I could have. For that reality to set in for me though I had to really grow through some shit to get here / allow me to get into what and where here is – I’ve had my share of situationships: some where I made good decisions and some where I did not. Some where I just went with the flow and some where I tried my hardest to control my outcomes. I’ve been wise and I’ve also been naive. I’ve been guarded and I’ve been too trusting. What I’ve learned from those situations was the importance of setting boundaries in order to show someone how I wanted and deserved to be treated. You’ve read about my extravagant dates and how some guys didn’t make the cut for me. I’ve yet to share some experiences where I played myself: I did the bid – puttin money on the books and the phone – steppin off for the sporadic phone calls, doin the “visits” and I wrote them long ass letters; I believed a nigga when he said he was just sleeping on the couch and the one who said he was just with his girl because he was a father figure to her son. I believed this one guy who said his wife didn’t show him enough love, affection and attention and I’ve been that loyal girl that committed myself to a guy who never made the relationship official lol. I been the girl who held shit down and stayed down because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I dead ass thought that to keep a nigga I had to prove my loyalty; proving how loyal and solid I was left me with an empty cup in the end though. Naturally, some people such as myself are big on empathy, our nurturing spirit and love for others will have us playing the role of a superhero. The hard lesson in all of those experiences however, was learning that some niggas don’t want to be saved, fixed or healed. Why? Because being broken gets them more attention. Having to heal requires maturity and growth and a lot of people are not ready to face the ugly parts of themselves and grow up yet. I had to give a rest to the “all niggas ain’t perfect” mentality and really check myself. Yes, nobody in this world is perfect but that didn’t mean I had to settle for the things that I did either. I loved playing superwoman because that cape made me feel worthy. It made me feel valued, like I was needed. I always been one to talk good game about how I know better but because I had no boundaries, I wasn’t doin better.

I was doin anything, actually lol. All of these situations taught me the importance of boundaries and remembering my worth. Love does not equal loyalty. When you start setting boundaries in your life, whether you’re dealing with family or friends, you will notice one of two things. People will either stop fucking with you or they will fuck with you harder. Either way, it allows people to show you exactly who they are. When I started setting boundaries in my life it allowed me to speak up for myself, show up for and stand up for myself. That meant I had to be vocal about the bullshit, I had to call out the red flags and I had to start outsmarting dudes before they started sweet talkin. When I started speaking up for myself I couldn’t give a fuck about if a nigga was mad that my boundary was an inconvenience for them, it was never about convenience for me, always about respect. Boundaries continuously show me who is really down for me. A nigga could speak on how he likes me for more than my body but them boundaries will show me exactly what that looks like for him. Some niggas don’t wanna wait, they don’t want to do the work to break your guard down, they don’t give a fuck about you being comfortable with them and they don’t want to have conversations that allows you to really get to know them. Shit some of them don’t even know themselves enough to show up for you. And what I’ve learned is that whatever I’m willing to give up in exchange for a nigga and/or his time is exactly what they will take: what I allow is what will continue. I love being single because I get to assess how niggas is really moving – on my time. Telling me you like me is effortless – taking the time out to have thought provoking conversations or planning thoughtful outings is what women like. Any nigga can pull up on me and sit outside my house to talk and any nigga can just take me out to eat. Any nigga can offer up some sex and a meal. I been on all the dates – ain’t none of that shit impressive at this point. I treat myself to $80 meals all the time. Some shit with me is truly nonnegotiable and I just recently learned this the hard way. If a female decides to speak up about her standards or her boundaries and says that she’s not wit something then that’s exactly what the fuck she means. Them boundaries are not up for compromise so don’t try to persuade her or sway her to do anything that she doesn’t want to do. That to me just automatically kills the vibes. There’s no real explanation for authentic connection and chemistry and to be quite honest it isn’t hard to have. It just takes time and you have to be patient enough to get there with that person.

All Compromise Ain’t Good

You ever go thru some shit that you just feel like you will never come out of or get over? I have. At one point I had been so broken that I hit a place where I didn’t want to date anymore. I had convinced myself that I would be the cool aunt pulling up to all my nieces and nephews birthday parties with a cup of tequila, secretly sliding them money and telling them not to tell their parents. I had truly convinced myself that I’d have the big ass house so all my god kids could just come over whenever they wanted because I wouldn’t have a family of my own. I had almost given up and I really started to believe that maybe there wasn’t anyone out there for me because no man could not wait for me long enough to really get to know me for who I really am. And when they did, they were inconsistent, probably scared, stuck on an ex and broken themselves which caused trust issues, they didn’t think they were good enough for me or they were taken. They’d either fall too hard too soon or moved too fast to try and fuck me, then the thrill of that honeymoon phase would be gone and it would just be a waste of my time. And then I thought that maybe I should just start dating men with kids because I mean they’d make a good dad since they had the experience, maybe I didn’t need any of my own – maybe I didn’t need the attachment since I enjoy being alone. I’ve also once thought that maybe I was just too educated and too busy, too focused on work or just too intimidating, booty too big or just too much of something. Lastly, I thought that I had been too naive to believe that in order to be truly happy and involved with someone, I would have to compromise with the thought that if I had to choose between being single forever and being cheated on occasionally, that I would really be single forever. Sayin all that to say, all compromise ain’t good. Being with someone isn’t worth me compromising my values because I want someone to lay with at night. I’m not really one sold on the fact that all men cheat and I honestly believe that there are good, worthy, valuable and faithful men out there. I know some personally. It was me though, I have chosen the wrong ones and I can sit in my truth to speak that. I’d honestly prefer being single over being in a 30 year marriage with someone who thinks its okay to cheat and hides their infidelity. I just don’t know if that’s really true to me. Not that love has to be a fairy tale but if someone feels like they have to cheat occassionally they may as well just be single and free to do what they want. This for me is something that is not up for compromise. I’m one of those I’ll give 1 thousand niggas a chance before I give one nigga a thousand chances type of females. One thousand chances though don’t mean I’m getting hit a thousand times lol. Somebody will get it right but til then it’s pimp or die (nah I’m lyin 😂).

Appreciating Abstinence & Singlehood

I’m in this weird crazy phase where I’m just fully accepting and appreciating my singlehood and I’m welcoming abstinence with it. I love being single because when I’m ready to date, I enjoy the ability to have options. I enjoy learning and conversing with different men about who they are and where they stand in the world, what they think of themselves, what they think of women and about what they’ve learned in regard of how to treat a woman. Anybody who really knows me knows how inquisitive I can be. So yes, I think it’s something special about engaging in these types of conversations with men. A lot of y’all are not even used to females picking your brain. I enjoy it especially as it pertains to this blog; there’s a sense of fulfillment being able to interact with different guys about their thoughts and their feelings in correlation to what they’ve read. Being single allows me to do just that, freely. One of my top 5 strengths is that I’m a learner and naturally the way that I learn is through conversation. I honestly don’t know any man who’d be okay with their woman conversing with multiple guys – whether it’s on Instagram, in person or thru the phones – no matter how innocent it is (for me) – it wouldn’t be okay. I use my singlehood to my greatest advantage because these are times that I won’t get back. As a writer and a creative, it’s important for me to perfect my craft and those conversations with men allow me to do just that. Some of y’all may be having uncomfortable thoughts about how open I am with my conversations / you may even assume that a guy could use his conversation with me to his advantage to slide his way in or feel as though I’m too friendly. But this is why I come back to my previous point about boundaries. I love my innocence and I’m a lady first. I know who I am, I walk in my truth and as long as I’m true to myself and to others, I can do me without doing harm to others and myself.

That said, with every chance that I get I appreciate and celebrate my abstinence (when I do abstain which is VERY often lol) and my singlehood. I know and appreciate my exclusiveness. I’m super aware of it, I take pride in that as well as my reputation. I’m so proud of it that it can’t be put into words. I have been in several positions where I was in a getting-to-know-you stage with a guy and wanting to abstain. It’s more comforting to be able to take my time and feel things out, you know like really be comfortable about what I’m getting into as well as who is trying to get into me. I had a situation recently and I spoke on my discernment with wanting to take my time and really get to know this person. There was a shift, however. It was good until it wasn’t, I guess and I do have a part in that – saying that so that this guy is not painted to be a bad guy because he wasn’t. But from the perspective of a female, I think it’s fucked up how some niggas will try to sway me out of my decision with abstaining to get what they want. They throw shit at me like: that joint too phat to not be doin nothin wit it, you’re grown, you gotta be more open minded, you’re selfish, we both want something out of this, I’m not paying for no more dates, if you don’t wanna give it up somebody else will and I’m not tryin waste my time or yours so if you ain’t fuckin we might as well stop talking now. I’ve heard it all. They even agree to let the female take the lead until she’s ready and because we want the guy to be interested, we go along with it. The intimacy and vibe be there until it isn’t there anymore. And it sucks that things can quickly change as soon as you allow yourself to open up to someone when you’re trying to do something different. This isn’t just pertaining to sex; shit it can pertain to the men who want to actively date without getting used. In this case however, it gets a little tough as an attractive woman with standards. I’d definitely consider myself a 90 day or whatever – make him wait – kind of girl. Know this before sliding in my DMs lol. Men love coming at me saying I got plenty niggas when the real truth is that all niggas are trying to hit me. Maybe not as soon as tomorrow but that comes with the territory. I’ve come to grips with that, it’s better to be found attractive right? It may not be all of them wanting more or less but the common thing of interest is what’s between my legs and my ass, truly. Making a nigga wait isn’t literally making them wait – it’s me assessing how much they’re willing to put the work in for me, for it and whether or not they even respect me enough to wait and/or put some work in.

I’m trying to figure out if they really trying to vibe or if the time spent is temporary. The one time I stepped outside of my boundary and gave it up sooner than what I normally would have – which has no set time frame but it’s never been under a 90 day span tbh – I didn’t feel good about it after. It was a weird energy exchange, it wasn’t bad but it left me feeling bad, like used…like I feel like I had truly did myself a disservice by not stopping it knowing I didn’t want to do it. I’m not much of a risk taker and so with that risk I can honestly say, wasn’t quite worth the taking. And it’s very likely that I wouldn’t do that again. It wasn’t that the guy was disrespectful or that he didn’t know what he was doing; he was very attractive and he was kind, it was me for not really standing on what I wanted to do.

I’m all mental first and everything else second. A lot of females are like that – mental. I noticed that the waiting is more so trying to see if that connection/chemistry is there and that can’t be rushed. It also doesn’t lie. I never been the girl to fuck just to fuck. I’ve stressed it before and will continue to say to men that a lot of us females need mental stimulation first.

That experience reminded me of how I operate and what works for me. I’m very much in tune with my self and my body because of the ability to abstain. I appreciate my abstinence because it allows me to really tap into my own self on a spiritual level. I can self reflect, I can get focused and really discipline myself without falling victim to my own sexual desires. It helps me to lust a lot less and think things though before I just let any body inside of my body. It has to be feeling as close to right as it can get. I never feel as if I’m punishing myself or being selfish while I’m abstaining, shit it’s my body. It’s worked well for me and for my reputation; the way I move and how I operate is the main reason why a group of niggas can’t collectively talk bad about me now. And like I said before, I take a whole lot of pride in that.

To sum this all up, I’m not driven by the sex or hookup culture which is why I spend most of my time being single and I’m happy about it. When I’m single I’m not obliged to anything or anyone. I’m free to just be me: it’s no pressure to live up to anybody’s expectations or give it up when I’m not feelin it. I personally feel like a lot of relationships and “friendships” be toxic because people are passing pain through each other with sex: hooking up temporarily and steppin off as if nothin ever happened. We getting the act of sex confused with the desire for intimacy and that’s how hurt people hurt people. We be wounded, broken, insecure, afraid and emotionally unstable all while covering it up with “confidence” to feel good about ourselves. I don’t think the mass is ready for that conversation though. I be single so I can do the work on myself which will always be an on going process. And until I meet somebody who can meet me where I’m at mentally and emotionally, I’m gon keep doin me.

I’m not a playa I promise. But I do crush from time to time. And as a single woman I enjoy flirting lol. Emphasis on the single because “that’s my business”, in my auntie Tabitha voice. Just being honest. Black men (no shade to any other race lol) have smiles that light up my heart. Y’all deserve to smile and y’all deserve the world just like we do. I truly be happy that I can be part of that in some shape or form. Call it friendly or whatever you want, y’all gon know that I got a heart full of peace and love over here. I used to think my best option was to be mean to guys because I didn’t want to give off a overly friendly vibe like I was a whore or dtf lol. I’ve found my balance though and I communicate my thoughts. I be sure to let people know that I’m a cool person you know but I enjoy making people feel welcome and worthy, as I love when people do the same for me. I did not always know that flirting was something I actually enjoyed doing. It wasn’t until I went out with a guy, who I will name Bus Boy for now, because that’s where he took me after we went to see Queen & Slim. Bus Boy was quite charming, he was a lil handsome and he was very truthful in his conversation with me. We talked over chicken tacos and of course I had me a small cup of green jasmine tea. I don’t know who eats tacos and drinks tea together but the combo was quite amazing. Anyway, we talked about the regular shit like how we got into our occupations and what not, but it got really juicy when we started talking about our ideas of what a relationship is. We both admitted to being flirtacious and we both said that we enjoyed making people smile. I wanted to know more as I felt quite intrigued and stimulated by his thoughts. It blew the fuck out of my mind though when he parted his lips in response to a question that was very important to me: what would you consider as cheating?

Stick around for the deets on that. All I can say is Bus Boy was a wild luva.

You ever gave up on a person and didn’t exactly know why? It could’ve been for supercial or shallow reasons such as looks or even the way a person dress. When done, we subconsciously self-sabotage our relationships without giving them a chance to grow into something, even if it isn’t meant to be something. The journey tends to end before it even begins. I’m all too familiar with this. I’m sure a lot of us are. Be it intentional or unintentional, it happens and when we fail to recognize it, we think so deeply into why we either can’t find a partner or why a situation didn’t work out with a person. That is something that I am acknowledging about myself and that I am working to change. In understanding my flaws when it comes to building relationships and dealing with men, it’s allowed me to grow, and in doing my work, it’s forced me to face so many uncomfortable situations head on. I used to be one of those girls who thought that having a nice body such as my big butt, a good job and being smart made up the whole package. I wasn’t too crazy with flaunting my body but when asked about myself, I definitely boasted about graduating college as if that made me more special than the next girl that graduated college. I didn’t take it as far as flaunting what I had, but I knew that having a big butt was probably a main reason why a guy would want to talk to me. I failed to realize though, that a major part of the package was my attitude. What happens when a nigga has it all? Or what about when he ain’t have shit? What do you do when you both can’t come to a mutual agreement about something you both feel strongly about? I never paid attention to how I acted when an old partner of mine was down, even though I was down too. I didn’t realize how I acted and reacted when things weren’t going well and when I did not get my way. I’m sure because of my “I do what I want attitude”, I made a lot of decisions that to him, displayed signs of disrespect. I had no idea how back then I was constantly pushing my partner away and to make things worse, we could never engage in conversation about it. Why? I was either shutting down due to passive aggression or shutting him out because I felt like he was complaining. I lacked the ability to compromise and put my pride to the side when I needed to and because of that, I’m sure I probably made him feel like he didn’t mean much to me. Don’t get me wrong, the relationship wasn’t all bad. But looking back now I can see that I certainly had a role in why it was not all good. With all that being said I can honestly admit that I had a good thing and I fucked it up.

You know me by now, it’s only right to be transparent with my shit so let’s just go ahead and get into this Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile: The Finale.

If you’ve read Big Booty Chronicles-III Peat or The Intermission, you’d see a few references about Ghost here and there but I’d always say that I would get into those details at a later time. Well the time has finally come. Here’s to vulnerability and to growth🌹

You know how hard-headed Eve was when she bit that forbidden fruit right? It had to have been hunger. That was me, I wanted that black ass berry but not in the physical. Hard headed I was, I battled my instincts for a long time because I was confused. I was getting crazy attention from guys because of the whole Party Girl$ movement but I somehow always seemed to stumble back to one person no matter who or what the situation was.

I understand it now why there are some men and women/girls and boys who don’t trust the whole having someone of the opposite sex as a best friend, I understand it from experience. I still don’t agree with those beliefs, but I do understand it. 👻 Ghost 👻 and I were best friends. Like forreal. We had respect and love for each other, he had my back and I knew a different side to him. Ghost was the first boy that I wasn’t afraid to be myself around, we knew each other already. And whether he had a hidden motive or not, I never felt like it. He was goofy, and he always knew how to make me laugh. In many ways he reminded me of myself, our friendship with one another was solid. We didn’t spend much time together initially, but we always did little subliminal shit that spoke to having a crush on one another. Could be something as simple as wanting each other’s food or just wanting to be in each other’s presence. It was the vibes, it was never that I felt insecure about being around him, it was the total opposite. I always felt good and I always felt safe. I knew he could throw hands and he wasn’t scared of nobody. I knew he was a real nigga because my brother fucked with him. His whole demeanor was just like that. He wasn’t dumb, he had long hair and he made my heart melt with his black ass complexion. Ghost wasn’t too flashy besides when he would shoot dice or be in the picture booth at a TCB show but he always kept him some money. I knew how he moved, and I respected it. It was what it was. I knew I was breaking the code by even having an interest in him, but I couldn’t help myself. And he obviously couldn’t either. What made us best friends? We had a bond, we told each other shit and I could trust him regardless of what I knew of him. He wasn’t a bad person to me I mean we were both single. I did think he was a hoe but 65% of that was from assumption. He believed in taking care of his family and he really loves his family, like really. That loyalty shit with him goes a long way. I loved his sister like my own sister, she was part of Party Girl$ with us, and she was an original. Everything was just cool. The best thing about Ghost was that my mother loved him. Now she loved allll of me and Jefe’s (Jeff lol) friends and they were all her sons and daughters, well some… but Ghost was in the bubble. But she loved Ghost and still does, they had a different type of bond. It wasn’t like a bond where she’s trying to take his mother’s place or anything like that, it was just special. They were the real best friends lol. So much that he was even able to help me understand her in ways where I just didn’t get it. I would be mad at her and he’d tell me where I was wrong. He could always do that because he kept it real with me and I never questioned his truth. Ghost began to know me better than I knew me, and I didn’t get it. Of course, this is over an accumulation of some time. But moral to this story is that he was my homie and regardless of people’s opinions he was indeed a best friend to me. The feelings festered from there.

I know what you might be thinking, who the f*ck is Ghost. Why that name you ask? No, his name isn’t James St. Patrick but let’s just say he and I was always off some Ghost and Angela type shit. I know I know, Angie was the side chick however, it wasn’t that type of time with us. You see, Ghost was that someone for me. Whether things were good or bad for me, it was always Ghost. He was the one I told all my secrets too and if I felt like the world was about to end, I could go to him about it. Like Ghost and Angela, we were just mysterious. It took so long to solidify our feelings for each other that we both just subconsciously moved in silence. Though he had a girlfriend in high school, my liking came soon after. It was crazy, we’d be in a room full of people watching each other the whole time. So much shit was happening around us but when it was us it was always just us. I know Ghost had some shit with him, he was a boy. That was the one person whose shit didn’t stink to me. I held him to a much higher standard than what he might’ve believed.

Summer 08. Ghost, his sister and I went to the pool. I still got my little short blonde cut wit the side swoop bang into the front. My hair was fresh, so I didn’t want to get it wet. We get to the pool however, and little sis go over to the deep end with the diving board. Me, I’m not a deep end with the diving board kind of person, I like the boring shallow part where my feet can touch the bottom. Ghost waddles in a little of both. He goes to the deep end first, and then he comes over to the shallow end. I had my bathing suit on with no cover up, I was comfortable like that. It wasn’t to show off my body, but it was only the three of us at the pool and the lifeguard, but she was a girl. When Ghost comes to the shallow end with me the fun begins, that just me and you vibe resurfaces. I was in my own world until he entered. I was probably day dreaming as I usually do, but when he comes all attention is on him. Every time his back was to me, I’m starring at him. And every time we’d make eye contact, we both be smiling at each other, it was always like this though. This wasn’t just an occurrence at the pool that day. This day was when I first confirmed that I actually liked Ghost. I questioned it before, but I hid it due to certain circumstances and friendships surrounding our liking for one another. He was a friend to my brother for prime example. I had told his sister about my crush on him before but when I said that I was still unsure of my own self. I didn’t know if he was genuinely flirting with me when he did because we both kept the best friend thing going for so long. Was it a cover up? On my end it might have been just a little bit. I was afraid about being open about my liking for him because of what everybody around us would think. It was risky being open about it. We both belonged to a circle of family and friends and it just seemed like the best thing to do was to be private, so I did. I can’t explain Ghost’s reasons for being private though, maybe initially it was about getting the kitty, but I’ll never know. Anyway, back to the tea: in the pool that day when Ghost looked at me something about his eye contact was different. Maybe mine was too but this was the first time I actually paid this look any attention. We were face to face in the water and my legs were wrapped around his waist, arms wrapped around his shoulders. While I was looking into his dark brown eyes something inside told me on that day that whatever I had been feeling about him was real and that he felt it too. I liked him before, but I fell in like with him that day. It felt like I was there with my love, like we were not only there together physically but we were there together. That was a memorable feeling, just like that first real sensation with Romeo. This was on a much deeper level though. We had already flirted and showed signs of liking each other for about 2 years now and Ghost didn’t do stupid childish things like smack my ass and run or get little squeezes of a butt cheek when I wasn’t looking. I felt respected by him, things was just different…

If it all seemed so great, then what happened? Where did things go wrong? He seems like a great guy, you must be crazy. I wasn’t crazy though lol. Those were just some of the responses from “Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile- Scene Two”. I won’t sit here and speak any regrets but I will speak on what I could have done better.

Yes, it was so great. Like I said before, it was just tricky. Talk about a situation, we were understood just like that. We were together without the confirmation of a title. It was never spoken about, we just did us. And it seemed to have worked for us. I don’t think things really got shaky until sex was involved later in the journey. We did nothing in the beginning stages of dealing with each other. I was still a virgin and I had also been figuring it out with different people.

The figuring it out with different people thing was one thing I did not necessarily need to do. But I did. Back then I felt like I had to. Not because I didn’t care for my partner, but because I had it in my mind that if we did not have a title, then that technically made me single. Again, this situation thing can work for some and for what it was it worked for us in the beginning. I never asked Ghost for anything, but he left no room for me to either. So, why did I need to talk to other people? I didn’t. Transparency moment: I was scarred from dealing with someone in the midst of me and Ghost. I won’t say his name but that was a situation too. While I thought I meant more than what I did to this person, he had ended up with a whole girlfriend (lol) while he and I was “talking”. Ghost knew of this so no, it wasn’t a sneaky move or anything. Ghost knew of everyone. The mistake that I made was bringing my pain into the relationship with him though. It greatly affected my attitude and how I behaved towards him. That pain was honestly the root of a lot of my actions. It just took me so long to realize that. We’ve all done that before, carried some pain or some trauma from our past into the present. If I had to say I regretted something, it would be just that. I can only imagine how that made him feel. He didn’t speak on it much, but he did show it. And I couldn’t see how it affected him.

We were getting to a place where we were being more consistent. I was always at his house, going to work from there and all. It felt like we lived together, and I liked it. But I couldn’t let go of my pain, I was tripping and still actin out. I remember when he wanted to see my phone and I had a problem with that. I had nothing to hide, but I always got extra defensive when he asked so of course it seemed as if I was doing something. He probably felt like I was being sneaky and that I was untrustworthy. I felt like he had insecurities and instead of trying to work through them, I just always called quits. I was the reason for our lack of consistency. I was always giving up. “Fuck it, I don’t want to do this anymore”, is what I would always say and think. I couldn’t fathom being submissive and I’m sure that raised his suspicion of me. I didn’t stop to think that those behaviors were probably reasons that made him prolong a title but again, we didn’t talk much about it.

Another thing that I could have done differently was how I acted when it came to my male friends. Ghost didn’t mind me having them, he knew I thought I was one of the guys. He even told me that, I thought too much like a nigga. I remember going grocery shopping in preparation for a snow storm. It was probably about February or March of 2015, right before I started my time at Year Up. We were at the Safeway by Benning Road and Minnesota Avenue. We were chillen, he was sneaking snacks in the cart and I was in the chicken section as usual. My friend, Mumu walks up to give me a hug. Now Mu is my guy. He’s one of those people who gets love from everybody. When he walks up, I’m excited to see him as I only see him once or twice out of the year if that, but we always keep in touch. We speak, and hug and Ghost is just watching. I turn to Ghost to introduce him and Mu to one another but here’s where I think I went wrong. You know I mentioned earlier how I can be pretty private, when I introduced Ghost, I kept that same energy. I introduced him and said that he was my friend. Not thinking that that would come off as him being just my friend. Looking back now I feel like this was an instance to be more exclusive. Mu knows me, he knows how tough I can be when it comes to guys i.e. being guarded, not showing feelings and cutting people off faster than they can blink lol. Again, I did not think twice about that day after that. Ghost said nothing and neither did I unknowingly. Ghost and I got snowed in, it was fun, and I enjoyed my time up until that last day. I fell in a space where I felt like I needed to be alone. Mu hits me up to go out for lunch and drinks and in error, I did not ask Ghost to come. I told him that I was going though, key word is told. I didn’t consider his feelings and yes, he expressed feelings about that. He was mad at the fact that I was going out to lunch with someone I called my brother and I didn’t even bother to extend the invite. (I know, I’m shaking my head at myself at this point lol). I went out with Mu and believe it or not he spent the entire time talking with me and lecturing me about how I should NOT fuck things up with Ghost. After our outing you know Ghost was still mad. As he should have been. I thought what I did was okay just because I told him what me and Mu talked about but that didn’t help. Instead of looking at it from his perspective, I tried to label it as insecure. I didn’t show any accountability for my doings and how I just totally disregarded his feelings.

Those two examples can show the disconnect between two people with a lack of communication, compromise and understanding in a relationship. Regarding myself more importantly, I failed to recognize my own toxic behaviors. I was prideful, stubborn, defensive, selfish and I wasn’t the best communicator when it came to confrontation and talking about our problems. I thought I had a leg up because I grew up with boys and had a close relationship with my daddy but, that didn’t prepare me to love Ghost the way he should have been loved. If you are being prideful and not compromising, you will literally end up arguing your entire relationship. This is not to say that Ghost was a saint. This is just about my growth, my accountability and my maturity as a woman. He had a job, he had a car, he had his own spot and he wasn’t in any trouble. He was loyal, he was real, and he didn’t have any kids lol. Those are typically all the things a girl asks for in a guy and I had all of that plus more lol.

In closing, Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile, because that big butt and smile going to have some pain behind it. It’s not all glitter and gold. And while this story didn’t focus so much on an experience with a big butt, it gave insight on why I act the way I do today. I get a lot of compliments about my attitude, my energy, my smile and the way I think. Understand that I am not perfect and it took a lot of work to get me here. I can admit that I wasn’t at my best with Ghost and it took a lot of growth and maturity to see my flaws over a span of 7/8 years in it with him. If I could go back and apologize, I would a thousand times and thousand times more. Ladies, sometimes we can’t find a partner because we are the problem or part of the problem. We have to be woman enough to own that. Let this be somewhat of a lesson to both genders about taking care of one another, doing things with love in mind and loving ourselves enough to change in the areas where work is required.

With love,

Britany 🌹

People will always choose to see what they want to see in you. Just like I choose to see the good in people, different situations and circumstances because that’s just who I am as an individual. Even after reading that last post, some niggas are still gonna think negative when they hear or say Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile. In all actuality I don’t think people really know how it goes. Why is it that a girl with a phat booty and a pretty smile such as myself are considered some sort of root of all evil? Can we really not be trusted? Is it because we really are poison? I got a whole lot of reasons why. But you’re going have to wait for Scene Two to this: Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile to find all of that out.

Do you ever just sit back and think about what makes you attractive? I do. I always wonder if it is my physical features such as my lips, my eyes, or my figure… or maybe it’s my intellect and that I speak well. In all honesty, I most certainly think that the booty is the main attraction. Additionally, I love my eyes and I’ve fallen so much more in love with my smile since I’ve gotten braces. I’m definitely obsessed with my locs, if I were a sundae they’d definitely serve as the cherry on top, literally lol. Maybe it’s that I’m analytical and have a tendency to get philosophical in my conversations. I think I’m pretty relatable and even when I’m not I just try to seek to understand the things that I don’t. More importantly, I keep a positive vibe. It’s so important and it’s so vital. It’s the way of life: the universe is always responding to me and my thoughts. So I try to keep the good thoughts in my nature. People like that. When you give off positive vibes, you can change a person’s entire demeanor. While all of my physical features create a package, there are two features that can’t be seen. My body might be the award but my heart and mind are truly the prize. It just so happens that the big butt & smile are seen first. All of these things make up my aura. My spirit is warming and while I may seem super intimidating on the outside, I’m totally the opposite on the inside. I ask myself about what makes me attractive because of all of my encounters with the nice guys I’ve met.

We’ve all been in a space where we’ve met someone and they seem to have fallen for us pretty fast. It’s a semi uncomfortable feeling because you don’t want to hurt this person’s feelings should you not feel the same way about them. You continuously ask yourself, “what did I do to make them like me this much?”. At least that’s what I’ve done. While the honeymoon phase seems so blissful, this person has somehow convinced themselves that they can see a future with you in just a short times notice. They’ve figured out what you like so they go out of their way to gift you with these things. Do it without him or her asking they say. Next thing you know you got money sitting in your cash app to get gas or lunch. They’ve grown accustomed to talking with you everyday so now it’s become routine to talk with them everyday. How did the routine start? Everybody has experienced this at some point whether you are a male or a female. It doesn’t mean anything bad by you to feel this way, it just seems to happen. People like what they like. People are attracted to what they’re attracted to. People go hard for what they want. Some take the aggressive approach and then some are more laid back about how they move. There always seems to be an exchange of energies before any physical intimacy is shared. I’ve literally had niggas at my feet with no serious effort involved on my end. It was never any game, it was nature whether the person was actually interested in getting to know me or not.

Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile because I snatch souls with no sex involved. I don’t say this out of arrogance, I say it because it’s true. It’s happened to me, has it happened to you? I honestly feel like most, if not all of the nice guys I’ve met, had it made up in their mind that they liked me before actually getting to know me. We would have a couple slight conversations and the guy is usually surprised at the things I’m talking about. In scene 1 of NTABB&AS, it was said that a girl with a big butt and a smile has the power to hypnotize a nigga just from her looks. Since we’re keepin it real, raw & uncut, when a guy is intimidated by me, it kinda does seem like it makes him pretty open in the sense of me getting whatever I want. While I always wanted to believe that that was some type of myth, it may actually be true. It’s almost the same as a guy telling a female everything she wants to hear, if she really likes him a lot, she’d be willing to do whatever for him. In my case, I guess the guys just don’t be knowing how to approach me so they choose to overcompensate. I wouldn’t quite refer to this as any form of hypnosis though. I damn sure don’t practice any voodoo witch craft type of shit but I’ve witnessed it happen from my own experiences. Point is, it’s always up to the individual as to whether he or she are willing to use their power for bad or for good.

Most of the guys that I’ve had these kinds of encounters with have known of me for years. They for some reason could never work up the courage to actually have a conversation with me. Or maybe they got lost in the pool of my unread Facebook messages. In any case though, they waited until they felt it was the right time to finally shoot their shot.

And they did.

It’s strange. You sit across the table from this person wondering how in the fuck are they so excited to be with you for the first time. You admire the fact they admire you but still the question lingers, “What have you done for them to like you so much?”.

That was how I felt shortly after I met this nice guy off the gram. He randomly just popped up in my dms one day and because he was fine as shit I responded lol. The thing about the gram though is that people only show you what they want you to see. But after scoping his page he didn’t seem like the faking type. His name was Ty Dolla $ign. Not in the literal. His name will be Ty Dolla $ign because Ty Dolla $ign was the first thing that came to mind. I gave him my number because of what he said no the message. And not to mention yet again that he was handsome lol. He got right to the point in saying he wanted a shot and to see where it went. It was so straightforward and I was so happy with that. I gave it a day or two for no real reason. He was cool as shit though. Ty Dolla $ign had his own place, had a car, a cool job and he looked nice in his work attire. He also always kept a fresh cut too. I loved that he dressed nice and that he cared about his appearance. Nice as in he could put some fits together whether he had on a graphic shirt or a jersey. He looked sweet. Ty Dolla $ign and I went out a lot. I remember our first date was a very chill impromptu spot and we met up on my lunch break. I won’t say where we went, just know that we had pizza. I felt like we both were nervous meeting up for the first time. That first meet up was well worth it though. Ty Dolla $ign was a gentleman and he smelled very good.

I had never met Ty Dolla $ign before meeting him for lunch. But he knew of me from being a Party Girl. He had been watching me from afar for a while and I guess was just waiting for the right moment. I didn’t think this was creepy, just wild that someone needed a right time to talk to me. Plus, I didn’t have any full body pictures on my page so unless he had seen me around recently, it was safe to say that he wasn’t just goin smack at me because my butt was big. Anyways, I felt that Ty Dolla $ign had come around at a good time because I was open to dating. I had trained my mind to be open to being treated well and to believe that there were guys out there who actually able to treat me well. And he did. One of the best things about Ty Dolla $ign was that I could tell that though he never said it, he allowed things to move at my pace. No pressure. How did I know? I put him up to several tests.

If you’ve been following this blog you’d know that I consistently talk about men and how I feel in reference to discipline. Well after our pizza date, Ty Dolla $ign and I texted a lot. I remember visiting him off the late late night one day randomly. I think I had taken a nap earlier in the day and decided to go and keep him company. I guess you can call it a Netflix and chill kinda thing expect I wasn’t givin up no kitty. Ty Dolla $ign might not have known that because we were very early in the getting to know each other stage. It was late though during booty call hours. I had on some light colored stretch pants from fashion nova and a white oversized vneck, nothin fancy. When I got to Ty Dolla $ign house I was nervous out of not knowing what to expect. Was it too soon to be there this time of night? How would his house smell? I hope I be good over here by myself. These were all the things I was thinking on my drive to his house.

I was there to keep him company but I also wanted to see how he lived. Ain’t no way he was this fine and lived in a junky or dirty house. But the house was tidy and well put together. Nothing appeared out of place and there weren’t any odors. We went to his room where we sat up and listened to some music. Now I love music and it just so happened that he liked Lil Wayne as much as I did. It was a vibe. He lit a jay and I was just chillen. I made sure there was enough distance between the two of us though in case he got frisky. You know how they say girls are when they go over a dude house for the first time, that was me. I was literally on the edge of the bed at first lol. I got more comfortable tho and just put my back against the wall and put my feet up, it was real cool. Ty Dolla $ign never once touched or or attempted to touch me. He stayed to himself and when I was ready to go, he kindly walked me to my car. He did well with passing the first test because of his discipline.That earned him more of my time.

We spent more time together going out for lunch during the week and we began talking on the phone more. I can get a lil philosophical with my conversations though so I always felt like I did most of the talking. He didn’t mind it though. At least I never thought. Ty Dolla $ign even began surprising me by getting flowers sent to my job. And once he discovered my love for cookies he’d randomly just get me some of my favorite flavor. I felt super spoiled lol. Y’all know I LOVE flowers. I also felt special because I had no idea who the flowers would come from. I wasn’t seeing anybody else at the time but I didn’t think that he liked me that much to do those things. I loved the thoughtfulness.

Ty Dolla $ign and I continued dating for about 6 or 7 months. He got me a gift on Christmas and even on Valentines Day. We spent so much time together going on different dates and it felt good to date with no limitations. What I mean by this is that a lot of times is females date with the sole intent of figuring a person out before we can be open. We have to see if their intentions are good or if their genuine. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in that that we forget to just enjoy the moment and have fun. And Ty Dolla $ign showed me that he was in fact mature enough for a woman like me. He complimented me well, we laughed a lot together and he also loved to eat lol. Seems like a perfect match right?

I know that Ty Dolla $ign stayed on his best behavior with hopes that I’d eventually be the first to make a move. This was my only worry about us moving at my pace. I move pretty slow and that’s because I’m just never in a rush. And for that Ty Dolla $ign had been subconsciously waiting for anything beyond a kiss on the cheek. How much longer would he have to wait? How many times did we have to be alone for him to attempt a feel? He had waited much longer than I expected, would it have been disrespectful of him to cop a feel after being so patient? What exactly did he have to do to get the kitty? That subject never came up so we never discussed it. I never truly knew if it was an issue or if it even mattered. I didn’t want to assume but the nigga in me knew that it was a thought whether Ty Dolla $ign showed or not. It didn’t have to be spoken on but I knew that he’d want it eventually. It was MY world though and Ty Dolla $ign showed me that. He displayed his ability to be patient and let me call the shots.

For some reason though something just wasn’t right. Though I liked Ty Dolla I noticed that there was something missing from our time together. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what I wasn’t getting from him. Ty Dolla $ign was so willing to cater to me but I didn’t know what it was or what was wrong. I often battled myself because he did all the things that a girl would want a guy to do. I’d ask myself if I was being ungrateful or if this is the good thing I’d miss if it were gone. This thing that was missing was like literally haunting me. I remember when I got to the point of cutting Ty Dolla $ign back because I getting like bored in the conversations I guess. In all honestly Ty Dolla $ign did everything right just like a few other guys I passed up. I enjoyed every moment with him. I appreciated the flowers, the gifts, the cookies and his kind words of motivation when I needed them. When we parted ways, it was of fault of mine. I thought that maybe I was the problem because I couldn’t figure out the missing piece to the puzzle. Maybe I was just trying to fill a void, maybe I just liked the attention or maybe was I just bored.

I’ve met some really great guys proving that good men are not hard to find. After spending some time alone I realized that my feeling of something missing in Ty Dolla $ign was due to a lack of mental stimulation. That wasn’t a bad thing but it was something that o needed it. I need substance. We talked all the time but I wanted to converse. A person like me loves to engage in interesting dialogue. It’s amazing where the mind can take you when you and a person are actually having a great conversation. Those are those kinds of conversations you get lost in. That’s the kind of talk that you lose track of time because the discussion is so deep. I want to talk about other things besides how each other’s days were. Simply put, I just love the exchange of ideas and opinions because you never know what you can learn from or about something and/or someone. And I honestly being taught some shit. It made it difficult to even want to make a move on him because I didn’t feel a connection mentally. I didn’t think it was fair to string him along when the connection felt incomplete. After trying to casually date with a few other nice guys I realized that they all seemed to lack this quality and to me this is an important one to have. Again, I loved the dates, the flowers and the fact that these guys were considerate and thoughtful.

I’ve said all of this to say this: all of the nice guys that were super into me were willing to do whatever to make me happy. Even if it meant sacrificing their own happiness. And I know that’s what a good partner does. I could never put my finger on what made them like me as much as they did. I always wished that they had spent a little more time taking their time with getting to know me or that they were comfortable in being themselves. Because just maybe would I be able to explore their mind and allow them to throughly explore mine. Some would say 7 months is a long time but when you’re in no rush for anything, 7 months ain’t shit.

I cut Ty Dolla $ign back because I wanted to use my power for good. I had no reason to keep allowing him to take me out and do all of these nice things for me when I was unable to give him 100%. He deserved that. I could’ve used and abused what I had but that was something he didn’t deserve. Ty never knew I felt that way though. I made my decision because I knew he was moving at my pace. Truthfully though, he wouldn’t have never found the right time to make that move because that vibe just wasn’t there. It wasn’t naturally coming from me. I also didn’t want to try to force anything on him. Who knows, maybe mentally he wasn’t receiving things that he needed from me and that was the cause of what I felt. Either way, I felt that it was best to part ways. Someone who was as equally as interested in him could’ve been occupying the time that I had been occupying.

I made sure to be very careful with the souls I have snatched. These experiences reassured me that my time alone was more valuable then my time with someone who was unable to fulfill me mentally and spiritually. And that’s not on purpose. I needed something deeper than the material things and the dates that came with these guys. Everybody has something they need from a partner; when they lack whatever it is, it’s kinda like a deal breaker. And when don’t actually know what their deal breakers are beyond the surface, they’ll pour into whatever feels good even if it feels temporary. It’s just something this person is missing and you truly can’t go without it. If that person that’s really into you doesn’t have it then what do you do? We’ve all gotten to this point and realized we had to make the right decision. Whether you’ve used the power for bad or for good, you made the decision to cut the person back. I just wanted to avoid taking Ty Dolla $ign’s kindness for granted. This meant discontinued occasions of spending money on outings and wasting his time when I knew there was no chance of him being anything more than what he was. Brunch for New Years was one of the last times Ty Dolla $ign asked me out. I knew he was looking forward to going but I didn’t go. I just didn’t want to give off the wrong impression. If I had to relate it to something it would one of the last episodes of Power in one of the previous seasons. Kanan has been mad at Ghost for a long time because Ghost set him up to go to jail. But like Ghost said to Kanan, he either had to put him in jail or kill him. Ghost chose to put K in jail. Because whether or not K would be happy with Ghost’s decision, he was sparing him the worst consequence. With his back against the wall, Ghost still tried to look out for him. You get it?

Yes, I could have just kept the party going in seeing Ty Dolla $ign but I didn’t. It was no point. I just wanted to use my power for good and set him free to be available for the girl that was right for him. His thoughtfulness was beneficial but I didn’t need that. I could have had my way if I wanted but it just would not have been right. Saying that to say that I’m not evil lol. I’m no devil and I actually have feelings. I haven’t always spared the guy who I wasn’t all the way into so I won’t say that I’m one hundred percent innocent. But I do spare the nice ones. Because I would want the same thing if the roles were reversed. To them the chemistry might be a real vibe because I try not to make things awkward but I’m a people person in general. I’m never fake about getting to know someone, I just take my time.

Shit I can remember a time when the roles were reversed and I was Ty Dolla $ign in this situation. There was a guy who I remember I was soooo head over heels for that I couldn’t see anything past him. I could honestly admit that I once had had my soul snatched and the guy didn’t quite do so well with using his power for good. This was before I got hip to the exchange in power though. Maybe I had fallen for his game or maybe it was just a case of puppy love. I could take the time out now to go into more detail about it but then I’d be rapping y’all up way more than y’all expected. So you know what that means, I’ll just save that tea for the next Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile situation. 😏🌹

When I hear never trust a big butt and a smile I think of a lot of shit including you but I don’t trust women anyway. Good and bad shit come to mind, it’s like dealing with anything in life that you want… all that glitters aint gold. I had some like that women but they were trash underneath. I consider them trash because a person who is confident in their physical appearance knows what options they have.

Never trust a big butt and a smile because…Man every girl with a big butt isn’t good. Niggas just ain’t supposed to fall in love with these hoes just cuz they got body! The body and the smile makes it hard to see who they really are. You see, a big butt and a smile brings a lot of attention. We be feelin like somebody built like you got a million niggas hittin your phone all day everyday whether you actually do or not.

I feel like a girl with a phat ass and a pretty smile is a gold digger and a user. She got the power to hypnotize a nigga just off her looks alone. A girl like that is manipulative, she’ll trick you into getting whatever she wants. Especially if the nigga intimated by her.

Scene 1.

Yasiin Bey (formerly known as Mos Def): Ms. Phat Booty is literally like one of the favoritest songs of all time. The intro instantly always play in my head. When I hear: Never Trust A Big Butt and A Smile, this is the first song that comes to mind. Yes I think of that before I think about BBD (Bell Biv DeVoe) and their classic hit “Poison”. It’s so much truth to both songs man I would be lying if I tried to deny any of it. In Ms. Phat Booty tho, Mos says, “In she came with the same type game; The type of girl giving out the fake cell phone and name”. This was me like a muggggg back in my day. I’ve given out fake numbers sooo many times and got cursed the fuck out for it too every single time. It got to the point where I had to start calling ahead to warn my girls that I had given out their number (sorry Aloha🌺 & Zin♥️). My phone numbers were (202) 341-4037 and (202) 604-4225 but those were really Zin and Aloha’s phone numbers. My aliases were always Judy or Jessica. I’m sure Judy comes as no surprise now thanks to the Party Girl$ days. Jessica was the name that came to mind within three seconds of being asked what my name was. Jessica was never just any random name though. It just rolled off of my tongue.

I did that for many reasons but mainly because of what I learned from growing up with boys. When you grow up with boys it’s kind of difficult to not think like them. My brothers that I grew up with influenced my behavior so much when it came to males outside of them. I always would joke with them and say “I’m never getting married or I’m never getting a boyfriend.” I knew to distinguish their guy talk from things I’d soon be experiencing but just like daddy telling me about how boys think, most if not all the shit that they said about girls just festered in the back of my head. In my mind, I had to always be ten steps ahead. If I’m going out with my friends, of course I’m going to look good but I did also know that someone would try to ask me for my number. Would I know their true intentions behind it? Well it depends. What I learned from my brothers was that a man will approach you by how he sees you. If they see you as just somethin to hit, they’ll approach you as so. Mannerisms don’t matter, whether they think you’re a classy lady doesn’t matter. If you’re dressed like a hoe, it’s likely you’ll get treated like one. Now when you dressed like a lady, mannerisms matter. The effort is there to make a good impression. If they approached you with no respect still, then the nigga was a fuckboy from the jump. Wave the red flag sis 🚩. A descent guy though, he’d at least try to throw in a joke to make you laugh, smile or even use a pick up line and call you beautiful. What I did not know, was that I’d run into some dudes who would play both sides. In the beginning they’re nice, gentleman like, and seem courteous. Over some time though, they’ll put the press on to “get some”. Do wild shit like invite you over during booty call hours or call you all types of names and say that you was ugly from the beginning. They might even try to get you home on that third date. You learn from experiences like that and build on them. Being ten steps ahead meant that I had to accept that a nigga might go hard to impress me just for the opportunity to hit just ONE time. Ten steps ahead meant that I had to be prepared to play the game. I’m not saying this to say that all of my experiences with guys have been negative because they haven’t been. What I’m saying is that no matter the number of conversations I overheard from my brothers, I was honestly never 100% prepared for the game. Some shit you just have to experience because those lessons from experiences just can’t be taught. I lived vicariously through them, I loved their stories. I just had to realize that I am a female first. While I loved listening to them, I was the same female that they’d be talking about out of fun. No judgement whatsoever, I love them no differently. I shared my opinions and if I felt like they were wrong, they listened. They’re still men nevertheless. My share of experiences like the ones above are just two reasons why girls feel like they have to be so guarded before letting someone in. It takes time to get to know a person beyond the surface. So while everyone likes to believe they’re so nonjudgmental, I honestly beg to differ. We come up with these ideologies about who people are just from what we see. As humans we do this subconsciously. Perfection is a misconception. Let me explain.

There’s a lot of people, men and women, who look at me and see perfection. A a pretty face, slim waist, a flat stomach, hips, and phat ass with thighs to match. Simply perfection. But what I want people to understand is that there is so much more to me beyond just a big butt and a smile. Sure, I got braces because I wanted perfect teeth. However, I’m not aiming for perfection, to be famous or be in the spotlight as some people like to push me to pursue. There are a lot of people caught up and losing themselves trying to be a “somebody”. I get it, there are a lot of women who are getting plastic surgery done to look like me, so everybody say’s I’m lucky or I’m fortunate. However, I feel like women should be happy with what naturally we have. I had a very close friend tell me that she felt like some girls feel like they have to do extra in order to get the attention that I get. I’m always trying to explain that the attention that I get is not always warranted. All attention isn’t good attention. Shit, attention period isn’t always wanted. I know that I share physical similarities between the Blac Chynas, the Bernice Burgoses, the Nicki Minajs and the Kimmy Ks but the difference between me and them isn’t just that my ass is real. I feel like they’ve ruined what it’s like to be a woman with a big ass in general. Don’t get me wrong, it’s their bodies they can do what they want to do with them. But I know that there’s someone like me who at times feel like I’m too ashamed to share my physical feature with them. When I say share I mean that as in have this similarity. While there are people out here in our regular lives praising my body and my ass, Chyna, Bernice, Kim and Nicki are on instagram trying to break the internet with extra exposure just to keep themselves relevant. Three of the four are mothers. If I had to compare, they’re the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Never Trust A Big Butt and A Smile. What does that say about me? If ever I became a legit author, I could never see me on the cover of a book or magazine with my ass out. Shit I died on the inside the first time I wore a thong bathing suit in public. Lol. It was quite the experience I must admit. Sometimes I think less is just better, well in my own case that is. I got so much ass that with a thong on it was just on ovvvvvverload. I was walking round feelin my booty just bouncing all over the place. It was just too damn much for my own self and I know it cause I felt it lol. I’m sure if my self was watching my own damn self walkin round in that thick thighs saves lives bathing suit I would be like got damn!! And I hate when people do that to me. I did pose in a picture one time for Everything Destroyed with the phatty but bestttt believe I was dying on the inside lol. Moving on.

Some will argue with me about it boiling down to having confidence. I say it’s all on the individual and how far they’re willing to go to get rich. They get millions of dollars for what they do so maybe they’re cool with it or it just comes with the territory, I don’t know. If it works for them it works for them. I just know that if I ever had a daughter I would tell her to respect herself and her body. That everything isn’t for everybody, your body is your prized possession so treat it as such. It’s alright to show a little, but always keep it cute and always be a lady first. I wouldn’t so much mind being in a bathing suit as long as I’m covered up a little. But I got so much ass I just feel like there’s no need to have it ALL out. So when considering those things I had to stop and ask myself: how far would I actually go to make myself known? How far would I go in order to get famous??

These questions really became a reality just a few years back, around 2012 or so. I had the blonde dreads with a orange patch on the left side of my head. I was a lil bit slimmer at this time but anyways…

P.S: My bestie Zin (in the middle), made her own bathing suit in this photo ♥️ shop Fancy Feline now!

I’ll never forget when I ran into the CEO of Show Magazine, an exotic magazine for curvy women. That’s basically how I can best describe it. His name was Sean Cummings, big black dude with a box shaped head. I can’t remember where exactly I met him, maybe in Vegas. But I do remember him asking me if I was interested in becoming a model. I was, I mean I thought I was at least. Everybody I met were already asking me if I modeled. I’m like shit this could be my ticket right here, I can be famous! I started thinking about all the trips I can go on and how much money I would probably see. I was excited just thinking about living this luxurious life. All the people I get to meet. Yeah I had many thoughts about it until I learned about what his definition of modeling meant. During our first initial conversation, he never mentioned anything about nudity or lingerie. He just asked about modeling. Sean gave me his card and told me to call him when I was interested. I pondered on that business card for a long ass time. I remember calling my bestie and Ma and asking their opinions about it. I wanted to model solely because I knew I had the body to do it. Now looking back it was a bit naive of me to think he wanted me to do any kind of modeling besides lingerie or nudity; however, I was a little younger so give me a pass. Anyways, both my Ma and my bestie were supportive of it. In reference to my Ma, I mean we talked long about it and my sentiments were just that I didn’t want to pose naked. Or have my ass like smack in front of the camera 🤣. She agreed. I deadass had reservations about those two things. I knew Ma and my bestie would be right there by my side and with whatever but I can also see Ma now. Cursing out the photographer and trying to beat his ass for getting too close to me lol. I was working at the Spirit Of Washington, IRS and Sports Zone at the time. Yes I worked all three jobs and I was in college full time. So I’m looking at this offer as a way to save myself. “Could this really be my ticket to getting rich?”, was all I would ask myself. It wasn’t a simple yes because from the time he and I first spoke I was hesitant. I knew that if I went along with this shit that I wouldn’t even have to work this hard anymore like fuck it. What do I have to lose? I remember I had Sean’s business card in my hand one day. I was at the Spirit Of Washington job inside of the ticket booth. I kept hesitating on calling him while starring out of the window of the booth, nervous as shit. So look I called him up right. He didn’t remember me and so asked me to send pictures. Now the gag is of course I had to do that so that the nigga would remember me. He wouldn’t just remember my face, so I sent a full body picture and no my ass was not in the camera. You can see it from the front anyway (just kidding). I called him back once the pictures sent and it turns out that he remembered me. Sean then asked about my thoughts because the last time we spoke I was a little unsure of the kind of modeling I wanted to do, but sure that I wanted to do something. I stuck by my word though, no ass shots. He said that basically nudity and lingerie came with the territory. The job was to be an exotic model and that there were times that they’d want pictures of my ass. And I honestly wasn’t with it. I couldn’t see myself doing that for no dollar amount. Even though the opportunity was there, I turned it down. I don’t regret it but man who knows where that could’ve taken me years ago. I could’ve been famous by now and yeah it would’ve been sweet I’m sure. I would’ve been a somebody. But all I could think about was, “damn, what if my daddy see me on the cover of a magazine lookin wild. What if he’s at work and one of his buddies or co workers is randomly talking about this magazine and points to a picture with me in it lookin raunchy?”. “What about my brother, niggas gon be so disrespectful probably calling me a hoe to him and some more shit”. “What about my future kids or my husband, I don’t want this to follow them or for it come back on me”. I know some people would say that I’m grown and I can do what I want. Despite the fact that this is true, I still value the opinions of my family and my loved ones. I’m more willing to represent them with the utmost respect which means to always be aware of my actions. Considering that which is just the facts, I would never want to be in a situation feeling like I did something that I can’t take back. No lie I honestly thought of about all of these things, I even told my Ma. She never disagreed with me and I’m sure in the back of her mind she was happy as fuck lol. Plus, when I ran it by my daddy I mean really his only response was to keep my clothes on. And every response to statements such as going out of town or even staying the night with the girls was followed with: “just make sure you keep your clothes on.” Lol. It was no way I could take that opportunity. If I ever did get famous I wouldn’t want to be famous for being an exotic model or having for just a big ass. I’m not saying doing any of that is bad, it’s just not for me. I used to look at them Jet Beautys Of The Week and think I was going to be one of them. Used to be a used to. It’ll never be that simple for me all because of how I’m built. That’s why sometimes I think it’s okay to care about what other people think. People like to glorify being famous as if some famous people don’t wish they can go back and have regular ass lives. I’m a somebody whether I’m a famous or not. Big ups to the girls who would’ve been with it but I’m good off that lol. What’s for me will ALWAYS be for me. I believe more in staying true to myself. I can’t even pose with my ass out on my regular ass Instagram (because I don’t want to), so it was no way I could do it for a magazine. It’s just not my lane. In the end you look on social media and it’s become a thing to post twerking videos or wear too small bathing suits that accentuate the features. No shots fired, I’m just stating facts. I don’t know for sure if girls are competing with each other for the likes or what. Me personally, I’m just going to be Britany. That’s all I know how to be and it doesn’t require any work to do so. If I’m going to be known or famous, it won’t be because I exploited my body all over the internet.

Some people would compare me not being with modeling for Show Mag as not being comfortable in my own skin and I personally don’t believe it’s about that. I grew up with this body so it’s nothing to me. I would much rather be known for being a good person, or for having a positive influence on someone, or empowering others, for being a good friend or an a awesome daughter and a loving sister. Having a big ass does not define me. Yes, I’m grateful that I am built this way. This is normal for me though. It’s nothing to boast and brag about. My point is that there’s so much more to people beyond the surface. So when people say Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile, I would hope they don’t paint the image of Black Chyna, Kim K, Nicki or Bernice Burgos. I’m not saying this to put them down because they’re all beautiful women. Just like I’m trying to prove that there’s more to me beyond the surface, I’m sure that it is more to them as well. All I’m saying is I’m just a regular ass girl, with a big ass, that’s actually MY real big ass, and I don’t have to go above and beyond to flaunt it. I do what’s comfortable for me and wear what looks good on me. That’s what being comfortable in my own skin means to me.

All in all it’s really difficult, when you think about it, to ignore the types of stereotypes that both genders tend to place each other in. You know, it baffled me to hear that guys really do believe some of those things that I mentioned in the intro. They fail realize that not all girls with big butts move and think like that. It’s the same as girls thinking all guys want is just sex when all guys don’t think that way. They all want it, but they’re not all led by it. I know some guys who hate feeling like they have to prove themselves as not to be “one of them types that just want to fuck” or the “fuckboy” type. I totally get it. For years I have sometimes went out of my way trying to prove myself to be a “good girl” or just a good person in general just so that people wouldn’t look at me and judge me by what they saw. Eventually I just got to a point where I just said fuck it. I know I’m a good person and whether they see that or not isn’t really my business. I know that my ass doesn’t make me so their opinion doesn’t matter. People will always choose to see what they want to see in you. Just like I choose to see the good in people, different situations and circumstances because that’s just who I am as an individual. Even after reading this post, some niggas is still gonna think negative when they hear or say Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile. In all actuality I don’t think people really know how it goes. Why is it that a girl with a phat booty and a pretty smile such as myself are considered some sort of root of all evil? Can we really not be trusted? Is it because we really are poison? I got a whole lot of reasons why 😈 . But you’re going have to wait for Scene Two to this: Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile😏 to find all of that out. 🌹

Here’s an addition to Part III. The Real. Raw & Uncut. 🌹

The name(s) Big Booty Judy/Judy, promoted the glorification of having a developed body. Doing simple things isn’t normal. No more going to stores in anything, because whether I looked my best or not, someone was gonna look at my ass and make a big wild ass gesture about it. A grown woman probably my mother’s age, whose stomach may have been a bit pudgier than mine, would look me up and down as if I snatched the soul out of her nigga body. When whole time she’d be in the store alone. Even if she wasn’t alone, she’d see me, look at her man, and grab his hand. Men could be with their lady, see me, and put their arm around their lady waist or over her shoulders. They’re still going to sneak that look though regardless. I get it. Maybe my presence makes people feel insecure. Not all, but some. You know the saying, “Insecure people make you feel insecure”. It took me so long to find the truth in that. Insecure people feed off of each other, just like misery loves company. The people looked at me crazy and as a result of that I thought crazy things about myself. I would often compare myself to the late Sarah Bartman. People run up to me in public and stare at me like I’m some weird figure. It’s as if my body is abnormal. My body is always on display and while some gaze at me in amazement, others stare at me as if I’m some freak alien or some shit. I went in the grocery store couple weeks ago, a boy watched me walk by and screamed “oh my fuckin God” so loud he disturbed all of the white people in the produce section. I promise I can’t make this up. I felt slightly embarrassed because I didn’t have to look at him to know why. I was in the Giant on 7th street. All of the people in there started scrambling to see what he was screaming about. He shouted out to his mans in some weird ass bird call type of way, trying to get their attention. He was using hand gestures and head signals TRYING to be discreet about them taking a look at me. Slim was hotter than a fresh butter baked biscuit coming out of the oven on a warm Thanksgiving night. For the rest of my time in the store, I tried to use my purse to cover up my behind, I wanted to die on the inside. I just.. wanted …to ..vanish. As much as things like that happens, I always feel the same way, as if it’s the first time it happened all over again. FYI TO GUYS THAT DO THIS AND THINK ITS COOL: We can hear you. It doesn’t matter how low you say it, we can hear you. It doesn’t matter what shows on your face, we can see you. Your body language gives away everything you think, say and feel. You think I don’t know you starring when I’m not looking, I can feel it. I feel when niggas follow me. I watch them undress me with their eyes and imagine doing all kinds of things to me, so while some of y’all like to believe that girls get dressed for this kind of attention on purpose, you have it sadly mistaken.

While I was in New York over the weekend, I had a lady come up to me to say that she and her friends couldn’t help but admire what they saw. I couldn’t hear most of what she was saying in between what seemed to be the livest Dj on the block and the birthday celebrating lituations to the right of me, but she was friendly. Before she left me, she said that she thought my ass was asstastic. I was wow’ed, not by what she said. But by what she said, that was a new ass joke to add to the list. Just to reiterate again, the first compliment wasn’t that I was pretty, cute, or beautiful. I was asstastic. She and her friends couldn’t help but notice how big my ass was in my everything destroyed 🥀shorts. My friends looked surprised, and Sweetycakez🌺 had to let them know that this happens all the time. It’s never new to me, it’s new to those who are around me when it happens. Because I been so focused on the positive vibes, I’ve learned not to let it get me upset. I smile instead, I welcome more conversation, room for questions and the ability to allow the curious mind to get their thoughts out. My friends however, they looked and watched in disbelief, me and Sweetycakez🌺 shrugged because it was the norm. This is life everyday for me, inside the workplace too.

Whenever me and my friends would be out walking places and whenever we’d pass a dude, they’d purposesly turn around to catch the him lookin at me. It’s always like a two second interval before you turn around and catch them lookin. I walk up to stores and watch a nigga purposely stop to open the door or stop dead in their tracks to let me walk by and follow behind me just look at my ass, I always see them because of the the reflection in the store windows. Some of them are bold enough to walk up on me, and take two steps behind me to look at it. And those are the ones who attempt to call me beautiful, say I’m pretty, compliment a smile and say they like me.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I need other people to verbally express any of those things to me. It’s just that my ass gets the attention first, sometimes it’s the only thing that gets the attention. Some dudes dnt wanna know me above the waist. They can care less about the kind of girl you are. With a body like mine you’re instantly considered a trophy. You’re on display. Dudes wanna know they got the baddest girl and her body real, she pretty and that nobody had her. Some dudes be like infactuated with that, the looks of a female and the ability and/or idea, to make another man jealous for his own ego. I’m not saying this is true about all, but I find truth in this idea about some. I’m up to discuss with anybody about it, if I’m wrong I’m wrong. But I will reiterate again, this is me speaking from my experiences and my truth. The real, the raw, the uncut. 🌹

The 11 year old me couldn’t handle this attention without thinking something was wrong with me. As mentioned before, my insecurities ate me alive and I was consistently in a battle with other girls, feeling like I couldn’t compare. The teenage and even young adult me, began to feed into the attention as if having a phat ass was all that I had to offer. I still wasn’t having sex in high school and my lack of self worth I constantly dimmed my own light. Because in some ways I was placed on a pedestal for having a big butt, I grasped to the concept and lived up to it. I’m moving into 11th grade now, I’m getting more freedom to do things and I’m still out meeting more people. On the more positive side however, I began to feel more confident about myself. I remember when I contemplated dying my hair blonde. I asked several people about their opinions and if I should do it before I did it. Some people said no, I guess the idea of a black girl with short blonde hair was far fetched. I took the risk, dyed my hair, and everybody loved it. From that point on I gained a new level of confidence. My junior and senior years of high school was fun as shit. Endless laughter and memorable moments that I’ll rememinsce about for a lifetime. It was the start of the journey of not caring about what people thought about me and making my own decisions, doing what I wanted to do. With that came the glimpses of puppy love, the lessons about making and losing friends, and becoming a responsible adult. So again, on to the next new mysterious chapter in my life. 

I’m thinkin I’m a lil grown now, me and my friends is making moves. Movin but steadily movin in silence. I for sure was movin in silence. I liked people but I liked one. Nobody would have ever known because you had to see it to believe it, but it ain’t too many people out here that believe in GHOST 👻.
Til next time…🌹

Bonita Applebum – A Tribe Called Quest | Rumpshaker – WreckX-N-Effect | Ms. New Booty – Bubba Sparxxx ft Ying Yang Twins | Ms. Fat Booty – Mos Def | Back That Azz Up – Juvenile 

Those are all of the songs about big booties that I can say off tops were my favorite coming up.

That horn at the beginning of rump shaker let you know it’s bout to go down and the small intro in the beginning of Bonita Applebum get you curious about how the rest of the song sounds. It’s a trip into the 90s. I low key wanted my name to be Bonita just because of that song lol. “Colle Park, Bubba Sparxxxx!” The first four shouts of booty in Ms. New Booty is guaranteed to get your ass shaking along with “Cash money records takin ova for the 99 and the 2000’s”. That beginning come on and every girl gotta stop, look at they friends, and arch that byke (back lol) real quick. Last but not least, Ms. Fat Booty. EASILY a classic, the story telling in rap and hip hop has always been my favorite rap style. I felt like Mos Def described me with the lines “ass so phat that you can see it from the front” because I’ve heard that a lot throughout the years.  My favorite: “honey was so blazin, she was just… yo, she was like Jayne Kennedy, word is bond. To my mother man, she was THAT ill man”. 

It’s 2005 and I’m in tenth grade now. I’m starting making small strides to finding myself. You know how people give you nicknames growin up? Well, when I was a kid, my nicknames were so innocent and modest. Brit Brit and Boobie were my favorite. But as I got older, I somehow adopted names that related to my body. For a long time I subconsciously went by “Britany with the big butt”. It was a name or phrase rather, that I somehow learned to answer to. Did I like it? I mean…I didn’t really dislike it. It came with the territory. Britany was such a common name that it just sort of came as a given. So I answered to it. How did people distinguish me from any other Britany, Britney, Brittany, Britani, regardless of the spelling I was always Britany with the big butt or as dudes would say, “Britany with the phat ass”. The phat ass part of the name always gave me a weird feeling. It was almost like there was a lack of respect for me and my body, I don’t think any dude ever thought of how that made me feel to be called that. I was never called that to my face which made it even more interesting. However, on a more positive note, the name also shed light on acceptance. As I mentioned before, I struggled with the uniqueness and the confidence to really own what I had. The nicknames kind of helped in a sense.

You know how when you were young, you found interest in people but it was mainly centered around looks. That was where a lot of my crushes came from, looks. Another crush of mine also came around in the midst of me finding myself and figuring out who I was and wanted to be. During this time I was pretty much over Romeo and the rumor that went around in 9th grade. I saw him around here and there but he was no longer my crush. I had eyes on someone new, someone who I always thought was real cool. Especially because he was always fly, he always looked tight in his polo and rugby shirts and cargo shorts. The thing about him was that he didn’t go to Largo too. MySpace was like the birth of social media for us besides Blackplanet. So I would go to his Myspace page often because I didn’t see him that much. Who is this guy you ask? I like to think of him as a El Niño or something. Because once we got older he got tatted up crazy and he resided in a city that best suited his cool lifestyle. I’m going to refer to him as Money Mitch cause Mitch was my favorite character in the classic movie Paid In Full. What that has to do with person I’m referring to? Nothing. Lol. Carrying on, in the movie, Mitch ALWAYS looked good; I loved him lol, (the actual character). One of the things that everybody spoke of in reference to Mitch was his smile. His smile was…just beautiful. Of course in reality I’m referring to a Mekhi Phipher as he played Mitch but whatever lol. It was the character that I loved. He didn’t play about his cleanliness, his family or his money. He meant business and it showed in his demeanor. Because of those things, I had a admiration for Money Mitch. He always had a nice smile as well. My like for Money Mitch was always somewhat mysterious because all I ever really knew about him was that he had a love for animals, especially dogs. So in return, anytime I got the chance to make conversation with him, we talked about dogs. Like I said, crushes at this age (15) was about looks. But I couldn’t like him that much because he always had a girlfriend, therefore I just let my crush for him simmer over the years. At this point in life, I’m still figuring out the flirting thing anyway. You may hear about him later in the blog but for now we’ll just keep it short and sweet. Money Mitch been around for years, so my crush had never really went away. He was always around he was someone who never went forgotten about. I’m still battling myself with the thought of my own insecurities so it never crossed my mind that Money Mitch would like me back. Same feeling I felt with Romeo, that basically if he did like me, I would know the reason why. It’s not to say that all boys actually felt this way but I couldn’t help but think it. Remember what daddy said is what I would tell myself, boys only think with the head in their pants, not the head on their shoulders. You’ll go through four years of high school and the boys won’t be as mature as you, you got titties, you got ass, you pretty, boys are gonna like you because of those reasons, that’s what mommy said. Need I reiterate that high school crushes and shit was just about looks. It was never easy believing things a boy said, yet I took the risk from time to time. I just wasn’t risky enough to have sex. It was never worth it in my opinion. It wasn’t until I was a little older that I heard Money Mitch even inquire about me, and I heard that he thought that I was beautiful. I always wondered if when a boy tells you later in life that he’s always liked you if it’s just game? Or is it the truth? Let them tell it, they just couldn’t say anything about liking you or the timing was off lol. Money Mitch certainly played a vital role in my life though. We’ll get back to him much later, but for now just remember the name. I met him before just right before another glow up, with no idea of what I became part of. How random things happen.lol

Prior to the gogos held at Largo, my brother and I was always familiar with the music. Our parents listened to Chuck Brown (who’s parents didn’t lol), RE (rare essence), Junkyard, Back, and Northeast Groovers just to name a few. Needless to say that gogo lives in us. Where some people stopped listening to gogo after a certain time, he and I couldn’t. It’s just part of who we are to hear it and feel it. It’s nothin like the sound of a crankin socket beat, you can’t help but nod your head or just simply move your body with your cup in your hand. Just two steppin and groovin. I started off going to the Neon. I remember one of my first times there, it was one of Largo’s homecomings after the principal got fired for stealing money. Ever since then they didn’t allow gogos to be held in our gym anymore. But the neon was love. I remember the first time I ever heard TOB. Their first cd was a straight 30 minute track. It cranked from beginning to end, non stop. And it’s crazy that CCB was coming out with Hennessy & Weed and Miss My Dawgs, we danced to those songs at house parties and now they’re defined as classics. Before the birth of the bounce beat, TCB alwaysss got me hype when I heard Chiggy album or any of the clapping songs. They played slower back then though. In the gogo was where I really claimed a name that allowed me to honor my body, the popularity around it allowed me to feel accepted and even loved. 

One day my bestie Zindzi♥️ and I, were listening to Fatal Attraction in my mom’s living room. By this time, we were already going to different gogos and having it up crazy. To think that gogo was really life for us and I know that a lot of y’all can relate. We looked forward to it every weekend, our parents took turns dropping us off and picking us up. I even promoted some shows to get in for free. Anyways we were listening to one of their songs, I can’t quite remember and we heard the ending of a song that stuck out to us. PARTY Girl$. How we heard it, we don’t know but it was definitely not what they said lol. We took the name and ran with it though. Neal was in the up and coming XIB and they were the first to put us on. We went to school with like half of the band so we made one big family. I remember my 16th birthday like it was yesterday, they played at the VFW in forestville. Lo was the singer though and Cook was playing the guitar. Our lil squad was lit. Next thing you know me and Zin friends from school started bein wit it and we got known for partying. I’ll never forget going to the CFE one day for one of those 20/20 shows. Pay $20 and see $20 bands play, that meant we spent the entire day in the gogo man, those were the day parties for us. I was walking from the front of the club to the back and this dude came up to me. He was way taller than me, brown skin with a haircut. It was the first time I saw anybody with tattoos on their hands. He spoke with crazy energy. I don’t remember how the conversation went but he left with my number that night. Alias will be Marvin the Martian cause he was always off his astronaut shit. Marvin the Martian at the time, was part of a new band called Allstarz. This band in particular was made up of ppl from various bands hence the name. Marvin the Martian was always live. I remember before I met him or even knew who he was rather, he was in the neon with a freakin fur coat on.lol. It was rumored for a while that he and I was a couple but I didn’t want to claim that. I was smart enough to know, he was in a band and got a lot of attention. I remember my first time going to see him, it was like an adventure and Mama Sonya was with me. I took the train and bus to see him. I had just cut my hair into a razor cut and he hated it lol. But he still tried to do it to me that day. There were a lot of periods in my life where I was just naive. I don’t know why I was going to the Martian’s house that day. For real. I don’t know what I thought we was going to be doing. I wasn’t even chillen with boys. What I took from that experience was that sometimes it’s really not all about looks, at the end of the day, p**sy ain’t got no face. Niggas was on they shit man. “Money over bitches nigga stick to the script”, probably hitting everything walking. It’s crazy, I don’t know how we got close, we just somehow did. But because he and I were talking, it pretty much helped put Party Girls$ on the map. Plus, hanging with Marvin the Martian was fun. He was like spontaneous and me on the other hand, I was shy, just really getting out into the world. It was because of Marvin though, that I did meet and make new friends. The band grew to be like family to me. Now we (Party Girl$) started venturing out to different shows and we even had Yani Miami and Li$$a up in Gaithersburg puttin on. Sometimes we would split up and go two different shows in one day. I had declared Allstarz & XIB as “my bands” because they both showed us love and we showed them love back. We went to most if not all of their shows and always had fun.

Y’all already KNOW what time it is. Atl came out in March 2005.  Somewhere in between the summer and in the midst of the Party Girl$ movement, I began to go by a name other than Britany and Britany with the phat ass. Still unwillingly, I was called this other name but this time around I was happy about it. My other Bestfriend LOVER🌻 gave me the name, a new identity. Anybody who knows me know exactly what I’m talking about. She got a big booty, so they call her big booty (skirt | skirt) / That one line pretty much says it all. Once LOVER🌻 started calling me Big Booty Judy🍑, everybody caught onto it. EVERYBODY. It was like a sweet epidemic and I never felt any disrespect behind it. Everybody in school, outside of school and in the gogo was calling me Big Booty Judy🍑. Moms, dads, aunts, uncles, friends, cousins and who ever else started calling me Big Booty Judy🍑. Eventually it just became Judy for short. So I ran with it. I can’t lie, I loved the name, I loved what my friends and I stood for. We had a reputation for being cool, attractive and positive. And best of all, nobody had anything sexual to say about me. I was still a virgin and niggas knew not to try me. Ask anybody and they’ll tell you. Securing my reputation was very important to me. I was determined to keep a clean slate. We got so much love it was crazy. I’ll never forget when me and Zin was in her bedroom. A ringtone was randomly sent to her phone, it was Allstarz.  The clip played one of the first times they recorded Reggaetone. And Marvin the Martin had got us out the way crazyyyy. Man me and Zin was so hype. I vaguely remember who started it but I do remember that was one of our first times hearing “Party Girl$ it’s your world”. That’s when we really knew shit was real. We made a name for ourselves and it stemmed from having fun. Tenth grade was really the start of how lit life started to be. 

“My gear is in and I’m in the IN crowd, and all the wavy light-skinned girls is lovin me now. My self-esteem went thru the roof man I got my swag, got a Volvo from this girl when her man got bagged” – Hov

I know exactly how Jay felt when he spit that line. I started coloring my hair and playing round with different looks. Next thing you know I’m a blonde with the short cut. Everybody said I resembled Keyshia Cole. I was feeling and looking good. But I didn’t overdo it with the confidence thing, staying humble was something I always remained. That was part of my reputation. I wanted people to say that I never changed. I still spoke to everybody at school, and in the gogos even if I didn’t know them. I started getting mad attention from boys. It did make a difference in what I thought of myself, I can’t pretend that it didn’t. The part that no one talks about though, is how people tend to date by status. You see, when you or someone else makes a name for you, the attraction goes beyond looks. People want to know you just because someone else may know you. They want to be able to say they know you in some sort of way. They want you to be in their pictures, just because. I’m not saying this in a way to sound arrogant, I’m speaking MY truth. This is what I experienced and it wasn’t bad. It was fun, I felt cool. I felt popular. I was hearing my name in songs and I’m really tellin dudes that my name is Judy too. Judy had respect behind it. I was much more accepting of it than Britany with the phat ass or with the big butt. Every time I met someone new they’d always say “now I see why everybody call you big booty Judy”. 

I’m meeting all types of people and I got my first lil job at Coldstone Creamery. Money Mitch used to come up in the joint and get a free strawberry mango smoothie every time. Of course I looked out, I liked him duh lol. The exposure to various crowds at Coldstone was interesting too. One time a man walked in and starred at me. As mentioned in part II, older men see you, notice you, realize your young and still try their hand. I had some clear lip gloss on my lips, the one that comes from bath &a body works. My lips looked full as anybody who has seen me in person to see I got a pair of soup coolers on my face lol. The guy complimented me on them by saying they were sexy. I was maybe around 17. I felt that it was weird, I guess because I’m still learning how to take compliments but that was probably the first time someone referred to me or anything about me as sexy. I somehow went from being cute to sexy. With all of that being said, my attention was split so many ways at this period of my life, this was when I realized the importance of choosing and choosing wisely. I liked Money Mitch, I was cool wit Marvin the Martian too. Sure, there were other lil crushes here and there but nothing came from them. It was about looks. The ones I meant ion here, have somehow made a significant impact on my life. There may have been a few, but there’s always that one that you never forget. I would tell you who or what I’m talkin bout now but it wouldn’t be like me to just tell you and not leave you guessing. 👻