You ever gave up on a person and didn’t exactly know why? It could’ve been for supercial or shallow reasons such as looks or even the way a person dress. When done, we subconsciously self-sabotage our relationships without giving them a chance to grow into something, even if it isn’t meant to be something. The journey tends to end before it even begins. I’m all too familiar with this. I’m sure a lot of us are. Be it intentional or unintentional, it happens and when we fail to recognize it, we think so deeply into why we either can’t find a partner or why a situation didn’t work out with a person. That is something that I am acknowledging about myself and that I am working to change. In understanding my flaws when it comes to building relationships and dealing with men, it’s allowed me to grow, and in doing my work, it’s forced me to face so many uncomfortable situations head on. I used to be one of those girls who thought that having a nice body such as my big butt, a good job and being smart made up the whole package. I wasn’t too crazy with flaunting my body but when asked about myself, I definitely boasted about graduating college as if that made me more special than the next girl that graduated college. I didn’t take it as far as flaunting what I had, but I knew that having a big butt was probably a main reason why a guy would want to talk to me. I failed to realize though, that a major part of the package was my attitude. What happens when a nigga has it all? Or what about when he ain’t have shit? What do you do when you both can’t come to a mutual agreement about something you both feel strongly about? I never paid attention to how I acted when an old partner of mine was down, even though I was down too. I didn’t realize how I acted and reacted when things weren’t going well and when I did not get my way. I’m sure because of my “I do what I want attitude”, I made a lot of decisions that to him, displayed signs of disrespect. I had no idea how back then I was constantly pushing my partner away and to make things worse, we could never engage in conversation about it. Why? I was either shutting down due to passive aggression or shutting him out because I felt like he was complaining. I lacked the ability to compromise and put my pride to the side when I needed to and because of that, I’m sure I probably made him feel like he didn’t mean much to me. Don’t get me wrong, the relationship wasn’t all bad. But looking back now I can see that I certainly had a role in why it was not all good. With all that being said I can honestly admit that I had a good thing and I fucked it up.
You know me by now, it’s only right to be transparent with my shit so let’s just go ahead and get into this Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile: The Finale.
If you’ve read Big Booty Chronicles-III Peat or The Intermission, you’d see a few references about Ghost here and there but I’d always say that I would get into those details at a later time. Well the time has finally come. Here’s to vulnerability and to growth🌹
You know how hard-headed Eve was when she bit that forbidden fruit right? It had to have been hunger. That was me, I wanted that black ass berry but not in the physical. Hard headed I was, I battled my instincts for a long time because I was confused. I was getting crazy attention from guys because of the whole Party Girl$ movement but I somehow always seemed to stumble back to one person no matter who or what the situation was.
I understand it now why there are some men and women/girls and boys who don’t trust the whole having someone of the opposite sex as a best friend, I understand it from experience. I still don’t agree with those beliefs, but I do understand it. 👻 Ghost 👻 and I were best friends. Like forreal. We had respect and love for each other, he had my back and I knew a different side to him. Ghost was the first boy that I wasn’t afraid to be myself around, we knew each other already. And whether he had a hidden motive or not, I never felt like it. He was goofy, and he always knew how to make me laugh. In many ways he reminded me of myself, our friendship with one another was solid. We didn’t spend much time together initially, but we always did little subliminal shit that spoke to having a crush on one another. Could be something as simple as wanting each other’s food or just wanting to be in each other’s presence. It was the vibes, it was never that I felt insecure about being around him, it was the total opposite. I always felt good and I always felt safe. I knew he could throw hands and he wasn’t scared of nobody. I knew he was a real nigga because my brother fucked with him. His whole demeanor was just like that. He wasn’t dumb, he had long hair and he made my heart melt with his black ass complexion. Ghost wasn’t too flashy besides when he would shoot dice or be in the picture booth at a TCB show but he always kept him some money. I knew how he moved, and I respected it. It was what it was. I knew I was breaking the code by even having an interest in him, but I couldn’t help myself. And he obviously couldn’t either. What made us best friends? We had a bond, we told each other shit and I could trust him regardless of what I knew of him. He wasn’t a bad person to me I mean we were both single. I did think he was a hoe but 65% of that was from assumption. He believed in taking care of his family and he really loves his family, like really. That loyalty shit with him goes a long way. I loved his sister like my own sister, she was part of Party Girl$ with us, and she was an original. Everything was just cool. The best thing about Ghost was that my mother loved him. Now she loved allll of me and Jefe’s (Jeff lol) friends and they were all her sons and daughters, well some… but Ghost was in the bubble. But she loved Ghost and still does, they had a different type of bond. It wasn’t like a bond where she’s trying to take his mother’s place or anything like that, it was just special. They were the real best friends lol. So much that he was even able to help me understand her in ways where I just didn’t get it. I would be mad at her and he’d tell me where I was wrong. He could always do that because he kept it real with me and I never questioned his truth. Ghost began to know me better than I knew me, and I didn’t get it. Of course, this is over an accumulation of some time. But moral to this story is that he was my homie and regardless of people’s opinions he was indeed a best friend to me. The feelings festered from there.
I know what you might be thinking, who the f*ck is Ghost. Why that name you ask? No, his name isn’t James St. Patrick but let’s just say he and I was always off some Ghost and Angela type shit. I know I know, Angie was the side chick however, it wasn’t that type of time with us. You see, Ghost was that someone for me. Whether things were good or bad for me, it was always Ghost. He was the one I told all my secrets too and if I felt like the world was about to end, I could go to him about it. Like Ghost and Angela, we were just mysterious. It took so long to solidify our feelings for each other that we both just subconsciously moved in silence. Though he had a girlfriend in high school, my liking came soon after. It was crazy, we’d be in a room full of people watching each other the whole time. So much shit was happening around us but when it was us it was always just us. I know Ghost had some shit with him, he was a boy. That was the one person whose shit didn’t stink to me. I held him to a much higher standard than what he might’ve believed.
Summer 08. Ghost, his sister and I went to the pool. I still got my little short blonde cut wit the side swoop bang into the front. My hair was fresh, so I didn’t want to get it wet. We get to the pool however, and little sis go over to the deep end with the diving board. Me, I’m not a deep end with the diving board kind of person, I like the boring shallow part where my feet can touch the bottom. Ghost waddles in a little of both. He goes to the deep end first, and then he comes over to the shallow end. I had my bathing suit on with no cover up, I was comfortable like that. It wasn’t to show off my body, but it was only the three of us at the pool and the lifeguard, but she was a girl. When Ghost comes to the shallow end with me the fun begins, that just me and you vibe resurfaces. I was in my own world until he entered. I was probably day dreaming as I usually do, but when he comes all attention is on him. Every time his back was to me, I’m starring at him. And every time we’d make eye contact, we both be smiling at each other, it was always like this though. This wasn’t just an occurrence at the pool that day. This day was when I first confirmed that I actually liked Ghost. I questioned it before, but I hid it due to certain circumstances and friendships surrounding our liking for one another. He was a friend to my brother for prime example. I had told his sister about my crush on him before but when I said that I was still unsure of my own self. I didn’t know if he was genuinely flirting with me when he did because we both kept the best friend thing going for so long. Was it a cover up? On my end it might have been just a little bit. I was afraid about being open about my liking for him because of what everybody around us would think. It was risky being open about it. We both belonged to a circle of family and friends and it just seemed like the best thing to do was to be private, so I did. I can’t explain Ghost’s reasons for being private though, maybe initially it was about getting the kitty, but I’ll never know. Anyway, back to the tea: in the pool that day when Ghost looked at me something about his eye contact was different. Maybe mine was too but this was the first time I actually paid this look any attention. We were face to face in the water and my legs were wrapped around his waist, arms wrapped around his shoulders. While I was looking into his dark brown eyes something inside told me on that day that whatever I had been feeling about him was real and that he felt it too. I liked him before, but I fell in like with him that day. It felt like I was there with my love, like we were not only there together physically but we were there together. That was a memorable feeling, just like that first real sensation with Romeo. This was on a much deeper level though. We had already flirted and showed signs of liking each other for about 2 years now and Ghost didn’t do stupid childish things like smack my ass and run or get little squeezes of a butt cheek when I wasn’t looking. I felt respected by him, things was just different…
If it all seemed so great, then what happened? Where did things go wrong? He seems like a great guy, you must be crazy. I wasn’t crazy though lol. Those were just some of the responses from “Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile- Scene Two”. I won’t sit here and speak any regrets but I will speak on what I could have done better.
Yes, it was so great. Like I said before, it was just tricky. Talk about a situation, we were understood just like that. We were together without the confirmation of a title. It was never spoken about, we just did us. And it seemed to have worked for us. I don’t think things really got shaky until sex was involved later in the journey. We did nothing in the beginning stages of dealing with each other. I was still a virgin and I had also been figuring it out with different people.
The figuring it out with different people thing was one thing I did not necessarily need to do. But I did. Back then I felt like I had to. Not because I didn’t care for my partner, but because I had it in my mind that if we did not have a title, then that technically made me single. Again, this situation thing can work for some and for what it was it worked for us in the beginning. I never asked Ghost for anything, but he left no room for me to either. So, why did I need to talk to other people? I didn’t. Transparency moment: I was scarred from dealing with someone in the midst of me and Ghost. I won’t say his name but that was a situation too. While I thought I meant more than what I did to this person, he had ended up with a whole girlfriend (lol) while he and I was “talking”. Ghost knew of this so no, it wasn’t a sneaky move or anything. Ghost knew of everyone. The mistake that I made was bringing my pain into the relationship with him though. It greatly affected my attitude and how I behaved towards him. That pain was honestly the root of a lot of my actions. It just took me so long to realize that. We’ve all done that before, carried some pain or some trauma from our past into the present. If I had to say I regretted something, it would be just that. I can only imagine how that made him feel. He didn’t speak on it much, but he did show it. And I couldn’t see how it affected him.
We were getting to a place where we were being more consistent. I was always at his house, going to work from there and all. It felt like we lived together, and I liked it. But I couldn’t let go of my pain, I was tripping and still actin out. I remember when he wanted to see my phone and I had a problem with that. I had nothing to hide, but I always got extra defensive when he asked so of course it seemed as if I was doing something. He probably felt like I was being sneaky and that I was untrustworthy. I felt like he had insecurities and instead of trying to work through them, I just always called quits. I was the reason for our lack of consistency. I was always giving up. “Fuck it, I don’t want to do this anymore”, is what I would always say and think. I couldn’t fathom being submissive and I’m sure that raised his suspicion of me. I didn’t stop to think that those behaviors were probably reasons that made him prolong a title but again, we didn’t talk much about it.
Another thing that I could have done differently was how I acted when it came to my male friends. Ghost didn’t mind me having them, he knew I thought I was one of the guys. He even told me that, I thought too much like a nigga. I remember going grocery shopping in preparation for a snow storm. It was probably about February or March of 2015, right before I started my time at Year Up. We were at the Safeway by Benning Road and Minnesota Avenue. We were chillen, he was sneaking snacks in the cart and I was in the chicken section as usual. My friend, Mumu walks up to give me a hug. Now Mu is my guy. He’s one of those people who gets love from everybody. When he walks up, I’m excited to see him as I only see him once or twice out of the year if that, but we always keep in touch. We speak, and hug and Ghost is just watching. I turn to Ghost to introduce him and Mu to one another but here’s where I think I went wrong. You know I mentioned earlier how I can be pretty private, when I introduced Ghost, I kept that same energy. I introduced him and said that he was my friend. Not thinking that that would come off as him being just my friend. Looking back now I feel like this was an instance to be more exclusive. Mu knows me, he knows how tough I can be when it comes to guys i.e. being guarded, not showing feelings and cutting people off faster than they can blink lol. Again, I did not think twice about that day after that. Ghost said nothing and neither did I unknowingly. Ghost and I got snowed in, it was fun, and I enjoyed my time up until that last day. I fell in a space where I felt like I needed to be alone. Mu hits me up to go out for lunch and drinks and in error, I did not ask Ghost to come. I told him that I was going though, key word is told. I didn’t consider his feelings and yes, he expressed feelings about that. He was mad at the fact that I was going out to lunch with someone I called my brother and I didn’t even bother to extend the invite. (I know, I’m shaking my head at myself at this point lol). I went out with Mu and believe it or not he spent the entire time talking with me and lecturing me about how I should NOT fuck things up with Ghost. After our outing you know Ghost was still mad. As he should have been. I thought what I did was okay just because I told him what me and Mu talked about but that didn’t help. Instead of looking at it from his perspective, I tried to label it as insecure. I didn’t show any accountability for my doings and how I just totally disregarded his feelings.
Those two examples can show the disconnect between two people with a lack of communication, compromise and understanding in a relationship. Regarding myself more importantly, I failed to recognize my own toxic behaviors. I was prideful, stubborn, defensive, selfish and I wasn’t the best communicator when it came to confrontation and talking about our problems. I thought I had a leg up because I grew up with boys and had a close relationship with my daddy but, that didn’t prepare me to love Ghost the way he should have been loved. If you are being prideful and not compromising, you will literally end up arguing your entire relationship. This is not to say that Ghost was a saint. This is just about my growth, my accountability and my maturity as a woman. He had a job, he had a car, he had his own spot and he wasn’t in any trouble. He was loyal, he was real, and he didn’t have any kids lol. Those are typically all the things a girl asks for in a guy and I had all of that plus more lol.
In closing, Never Trust A Big Butt & A Smile, because that big butt and smile going to have some pain behind it. It’s not all glitter and gold. And while this story didn’t focus so much on an experience with a big butt, it gave insight on why I act the way I do today. I get a lot of compliments about my attitude, my energy, my smile and the way I think. Understand that I am not perfect and it took a lot of work to get me here. I can admit that I wasn’t at my best with Ghost and it took a lot of growth and maturity to see my flaws over a span of 7/8 years in it with him. If I could go back and apologize, I would a thousand times and thousand times more. Ladies, sometimes we can’t find a partner because we are the problem or part of the problem. We have to be woman enough to own that. Let this be somewhat of a lesson to both genders about taking care of one another, doing things with love in mind and loving ourselves enough to change in the areas where work is required.